15 responses to “The Challenge: 140 Characters – One Pitch”

  1. Libby

    I thought it was cool and intriguing. May be good or not, but it left me wondering if it’s the bully she has to fight in the end or something bigger and more mysterious.

  2. Loralie

    I love the first bit of this – a magical journal and a bully sound so intriguing. But then I get lost as I try and figure out how it relates to the unborn brother’s happiness. I know there’s a limit on characters, but if there was any way to tie that more clearly back to the first bit i think you’d be solid.

    Great job and best of luck!

  3. Suzi McGowen

    Very good! The only tweak I’d try to fit in is how her journal will affect her unborn brother’s happiness? Maybe you can trim “sacrifice her deepest desire” to something smaller? Get specific? You can always follow the “must choose” wording. It’s classic. “She must choose between her desire to be a writer and her brother’s happiness” kind of thing. (Or whatever her desire really is.)

  4. Shelley

    Hi LK! Thanks for participating! I like your pitch, and it makes me ask the question of how can a magical journal have anything to do with her unborn brother’s happiness? And what’s her deepest desire? Good job! Very enticing.

  5. L. Blankenship

    Why does she need to protect her unborn brother’s happiness? from the bully?

    Bet she didn’t know little brothers are so much trouble when mom told her one was on the way… it gets worse, kiddo. :)

  6. Lori M. Lee

    I like the idea of a magical journal, but I don’t understand how that’s connected to the second part of the pitch. What does that have to do with her deepest desires? Or her unborn brother’s happiness?

  7. J E Fritz

    It’s great, but I think you should use her name instead of the generic “a girl.” And I don’t really see how the bully, book and her unborn brother are connected. Is it because the book is magic? If it is, you should say how the magic works so we aren’t confused. I’d definitely like to see more about this.

  8. douglas esper

    i agree with some of the posts above. i would like a little connection from the first and second parts. neat concept though. a magical journal and a bully opens so many doors…good luck!
    douglas esper

  9. Jen

    I like this, but I’m missing the connection as well. I’d use the advice given from the other posts to add that bit of connection between the journal and unborn baby. Good luck with the contest.

  10. Erica Chapman

    Ooo this is a good one. I’m wondering if you could say what her deepest desire is? Is there room? I know it’s short. I love this though, I seriously read this and was like “Dang, that’s good!”

    Great job!! I’m totally intrigued ;o)

  11. Denise Grover Swank

    I agree with the others, the unborn baby brother’s happiness is throwing me.

  12. Kimberlee Turley

    Is her pregnant mother accompanying her on this journey? Or are you suggesting something more supernatural involving heaven/limbo and spirit worlds?

  13. Rebecca T. Little

    Suzi already said what I was thinking. The “sacrifice her deepest desire” is the apple in the orange crate. Substitute something there that ties together the journal and the baby bro? Otherwise, I love it and want to read it!

  14. Rebecca T. Little

    Original: When her magical journal falls into a bully’s hands, a girl must sacrifice her deepest desire to protect her unborn brother’s happiness

    Suggestion: With her magical journal in a bully’s hands, Angela must sacrifice all to ensure her unborn brother’s happiness.

    Reworded to give extra characters in first bit. Added name to establish id and connection. Baby can go. If he’s unborn, he’s younger than her. Substituted “all” for deepest desire. This gives you 27 extra characters to play with :D

  15. Brenda Drake

    I’m intrigued by the magical journal and I totally love Rebecca Little’s reworking of the pitch. Hands down — her take is my favorite. Love that I get a name and love how it leads into her ensuring her brother’s happiness. Good luck! :D

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